This feeling in my stomach

For the non-existent follower of this blogg, it should not come as a surprise that I have some depressive tendencies. They are not what they used to be though, and today that is more evident than ever. I was sitting at my desk with this feeling I so very well recognized but I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out what it was about. It was distinctly unpleasant though. Sort of a strong sense of frustration, with a sinking feeling of impending doom, sprinkled with a dash of hopelessness. Sounds rather horrid huh? Well, I started thinking about it and first I realized that it wasn’t that bad. This realization caught me a bit off guard, since when is such a felling “not that bad”? Well, the answer came to me in a memory. Sitting by a similar desk, in a similar office, but in another time and at this time, this feeling near brought me to tears.


Never before has it been so clear to me that depression actually is a disease, and not a chosen state of mind. See, the difference between my memory and now, is that I really have nothing to be upset or depressed about today. I didn’t have too much at that time either, but whatever it was, it was enough. Even if I, as a Swede with a born need to whine about my situation, probably could list a couple of things I’m not entirely satisfied with, I know deep down they are barely worth mentioning. Sure, I wish my next job would giddy up and get here, and I would like to be able to spend more time with my girlfriend, and I wouldn’t mind some more financial freedom at the end of the month. But I know my next job is coming, and the time I do get to spend with my girl makes up for time lost, and the only reason I don’t have more money at the end of the month is because I tend to live exactly on my financial limits. It’s not like I don’t have a good salary.